#whenwemarry we'll have dance parties in the kitchen, just you and me. and it will be sexy.

Nostalgic Love

I'm trying my hand at creativity + photography. I combined things I love with my mom's wedding ring. I used my bedspread and pillows, roses from Valentine's Day (from Dad), a dresser (which was my mom's when she was little), an empty bottle of Mexican lemoncello from Shannen Sauret, a candle (an Anthro gift also from Dad), macbook, a Winking Owl wine cork, a wristwatch from Macy's, Anthropologie gift cards, a yellow end table from Target. I bought the teal mirror from a thrift store in Bloomington, Illinois and painted it. The nostalgia painting is my own work, with the help of my friend Calli Klopfenstein!

Click on the picture to make it larger.

















I used another of my mom's rings for the next few, just for some variety!










P.S. Happy late Valentine's Day to my mom!

You get a prize for being born.

I'm going to talk about my [old] job...again.
Fact: I put my whole heart into that job. It had everything I'd been craving from anyone and not getting.
1. I was needed.
2. I was wanted.
3. I was loved.
4. I worked hard.
5. I was satisfied.
6. I wanted to be there.
7. I was happy.

I put most of my identity into working. And now its gone. I did it to myself. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was leaving.
I knew...

Sigh.

I miss it.

And now I'm about to start all that over again somewhere else that's not new. That's not Portland.

I'm blogging in an attempt to clarify anything I'm feeling and it is failing.

Landlocked: she belongs in Idaho

My future was decided without my input. I didn't even apply for that job, but I got an interview. I daydreamed through the interview, but they wanted me anyways. My mouth told that HR lady that I would work for them without my consent.
What a stupid mouth! You didn't even ask me!
And then I come to find that I am in educational debt up to my scalp and I won't be making enough to pay it off in one year (or even 5 years) AND live on my own.
Debt is a bitch of a handicap.
Its crippling my independence.

So now I am stuck back in my childhood, although I'm supposed to be a grown up.
...Thats what my degree is telling me anyways.

But I don't fit into my childhood anymore. That bed is too small, those shoes are worn out, and my mind is wrapping itself into a tight ball ready to spring into another galaxy.

What is my problem? Eight months ago I was sobbing myself to sleep with homesickness. THIS is what I wanted more than anything in the world. The nostalgia was overpowering my world.
If anyone wanted to listen, I would tell you exactly what happened.
I overcame homesickness. I made my own nostalgia, and I was the only person in it; me and my independence. I spent two years of my sweat, blood, and tears (literally) working toward that never-reaching goal of being just as free as all my peers who don't spend their nights crying for their parents! (which I had spent the greater part of my college years doing)
Those feeling of not needing them were more valuable to me than almost anything.
I'M OKAY ON MY OWN!
I DON'T NEED YOU!
In truth: I'm terrified of losing that.
Thats all.
I want to run away to Portland to make sure that I don't still need my family.
To make my own ties.
Earn my own money.
Have my own house and my own couch.
Make new friends.

Running away is easier. Staying is hard. Working through these ugly feelings is hard. Sticking with old friends when I want to move on. Finding a niche here is the land of my childhood. UGH! This is not what I wanted. I had my freedom right in front of me. Why does is feel like its all gone!

Granted, post-college/pre-job is a time of crisis. But I feel like this crisis has been pending for awhile.
And now I'm too confused to figure it-the-hell-out.

So, here's to a great life ahead of me. (chunking of yogurt cup to computer screen)

I am the only person I cannot leave.

Your gunna catch a cold

from the ice inside your soul.
-christina perri

This is my story, this is my song.

its blank.

Do the thing that scares you most.

I am making decisions based on who I want to be, not on who I am. To some this may seem foolish. But when you are currently a passive party-pooping pushover with dreams of being assertive and adventurous, it makes sense.
I have a dilemma. I have to make a decision. I could live two different lives. I could go where people want me or I could go where I don't know anyone or whats going to happen to me. Hmm. Knowing me, I'd pick the former. Predictable.

What scares me the most is the unknown. I don't consider myself a controllist but I like to have an idea of what's going to happen to me. Otherwise the anxiety controls me.

I guess somewhere in their lives people find that they want to be different. They just don't know how. I know I want to be different. And maybe I know how now.

"Are you always this happy?"

No.
The price for perfection is loneliness.

Even things that are supposed to be all about me are not all about me.

Eye Candy Spotlight

Ryan Reynolds, Sexiest Man Alive 2010

Finding a gun and putting it down.

There are little victories in life that I rejoice in: moments that remind me I have guts. I've always wanted to have guts. Many situations present themselves with 2 possible actions.
1. Lay down
2. Stand up
Such is life. It shall continue thus.
So, there are 2 options. Everyone wants to stand up. But in conversations with people I know (even people with strong personalities), they rarely do, or they do so through the back door. I usually play the victim (because either it is "easier" or I like being miserable).
But being a layer is cliche and stupid. Not to mention a real drag when it comes to being cold.
So my goal is to stand up, one tiny detail at a time.

Your laugh is too big for your teeth.

I don't know what that means but it makes sense for certain people.

When You Say You Love Me

Sometimes its easy to forget to say "i love you" to people. I had a patient yesterday who hated me. And she yelled at me to get out of her room. I felt bad about the sitch. All my co-workers knew she was a temperamental lady. I yelled down the hall to them, "SHE HATES ME!" They all laughed and said, "Its okay, Caitlan, we LOVE you."
I know it seems silly but hearing someone say I love you makes this warm spot in your heart spread to the rest of your body. It can't help but be contagious. It just feels so good.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love my job. It is the worst job in the world, but how I love it so. I love the people I work with and most of the time I love the people I take care of. Leaving the Illinoise will be bittersweet indeed.

Let Me Make You Feel Good

I'm currently addicted to the song in the HP printer commercial "Brand New Key." I think its an old country song. I was singing in front of one of my patients yesterday and she kept asking me to sing it over and over for her. Later she wanted me to sing it for her husband (weird?)
I tucked her in at the end of my shift and right as I was leaving, that commercial came on and I got really excited and she had this adorable smile on her face. I was singing along with is and she just smiled this peaceful smile. I think I teared up as I walked out.
Its these moments that make my job worth it.

French Toast

There is the smell of french toast wafting down (do things waft down? or only up?) from the apartment above me. It smells so good and homey. My mom made french toast almost every day when I was growing up and smelling it really takes me back. Thanks for all those yummy memories mom!

Rituals

If you grew up in Christian circles at all, you will understand this. People are always telling you that God is where your value can be found, not people. So read your Bible and pray and be close to God and stuff like that and then you won't have to worry about how much people like you or listen to you or care about you...and stuff like that.

It's probably true.

But I like being around people that like me. I've noticed that I tend to heavily gravitate towards groups that like me. I have a friend group that let me be "the healer" because I would come in and have good talks with everyone and then things would get better. This lasted for quite a while and I glowed in the glory of being wanted.
I take care of sick people. My co-workers love me because I take shifts for them and go out of my way to help out all the time. I have friends because people would say, "Your the only one that..." I am completely content when I am needed.
When I sweep into patient's rooms, they instantly love because I have a cute haircut and red hair and dimples and can still smile even though we are in a hospital.

When one of these fails to meet my need for value, I move onto a different one. It becomes a consistant ritual...finding people that need me.

People need each other, but God doesn't need us.

Does he?

How to Starve A Rock...

This weekend my good friend Laura and I went to Starved Rock State Park, located in Oglesby, Illinois. Laura lives in a Chicago suburb and has been enjoying her freedom as an adult with a full time job at a church in Arlington Heights! She drove down to meet me at the park for a hike.
Starved Rock consists of several canyons nestled among the Illinois River.



The park gets its name from a group of Indians that holed themselves up on the rock to defend against their enemies and starved to death before they could win.




The views and scenery were beautiful break from the usual flat lands that Illinois has shown me so far...






All in all it was a fabulous hike and made me miss my homeland which is full of beautiful hikes!

PS 61 days to graduation!

Current Coping Mechanisms

Glass of wine and a 9 o'clock bedtime.

And putting hoops in my nose.