Finding a gun and putting it down.

There are little victories in life that I rejoice in: moments that remind me I have guts. I've always wanted to have guts. Many situations present themselves with 2 possible actions.
1. Lay down
2. Stand up
Such is life. It shall continue thus.
So, there are 2 options. Everyone wants to stand up. But in conversations with people I know (even people with strong personalities), they rarely do, or they do so through the back door. I usually play the victim (because either it is "easier" or I like being miserable).
But being a layer is cliche and stupid. Not to mention a real drag when it comes to being cold.
So my goal is to stand up, one tiny detail at a time.

Your laugh is too big for your teeth.

I don't know what that means but it makes sense for certain people.

When You Say You Love Me

Sometimes its easy to forget to say "i love you" to people. I had a patient yesterday who hated me. And she yelled at me to get out of her room. I felt bad about the sitch. All my co-workers knew she was a temperamental lady. I yelled down the hall to them, "SHE HATES ME!" They all laughed and said, "Its okay, Caitlan, we LOVE you."
I know it seems silly but hearing someone say I love you makes this warm spot in your heart spread to the rest of your body. It can't help but be contagious. It just feels so good.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love my job. It is the worst job in the world, but how I love it so. I love the people I work with and most of the time I love the people I take care of. Leaving the Illinoise will be bittersweet indeed.

Let Me Make You Feel Good

I'm currently addicted to the song in the HP printer commercial "Brand New Key." I think its an old country song. I was singing in front of one of my patients yesterday and she kept asking me to sing it over and over for her. Later she wanted me to sing it for her husband (weird?)
I tucked her in at the end of my shift and right as I was leaving, that commercial came on and I got really excited and she had this adorable smile on her face. I was singing along with is and she just smiled this peaceful smile. I think I teared up as I walked out.
Its these moments that make my job worth it.

French Toast

There is the smell of french toast wafting down (do things waft down? or only up?) from the apartment above me. It smells so good and homey. My mom made french toast almost every day when I was growing up and smelling it really takes me back. Thanks for all those yummy memories mom!

Rituals

If you grew up in Christian circles at all, you will understand this. People are always telling you that God is where your value can be found, not people. So read your Bible and pray and be close to God and stuff like that and then you won't have to worry about how much people like you or listen to you or care about you...and stuff like that.

It's probably true.

But I like being around people that like me. I've noticed that I tend to heavily gravitate towards groups that like me. I have a friend group that let me be "the healer" because I would come in and have good talks with everyone and then things would get better. This lasted for quite a while and I glowed in the glory of being wanted.
I take care of sick people. My co-workers love me because I take shifts for them and go out of my way to help out all the time. I have friends because people would say, "Your the only one that..." I am completely content when I am needed.
When I sweep into patient's rooms, they instantly love because I have a cute haircut and red hair and dimples and can still smile even though we are in a hospital.

When one of these fails to meet my need for value, I move onto a different one. It becomes a consistant ritual...finding people that need me.

People need each other, but God doesn't need us.

Does he?

How to Starve A Rock...

This weekend my good friend Laura and I went to Starved Rock State Park, located in Oglesby, Illinois. Laura lives in a Chicago suburb and has been enjoying her freedom as an adult with a full time job at a church in Arlington Heights! She drove down to meet me at the park for a hike.
Starved Rock consists of several canyons nestled among the Illinois River.



The park gets its name from a group of Indians that holed themselves up on the rock to defend against their enemies and starved to death before they could win.




The views and scenery were beautiful break from the usual flat lands that Illinois has shown me so far...






All in all it was a fabulous hike and made me miss my homeland which is full of beautiful hikes!

PS 61 days to graduation!

Current Coping Mechanisms

Glass of wine and a 9 o'clock bedtime.

And putting hoops in my nose.

I wrote you a letter but I never sent it

I did it for myself.