This is my story, this is my song.

its blank.

Do the thing that scares you most.

I am making decisions based on who I want to be, not on who I am. To some this may seem foolish. But when you are currently a passive party-pooping pushover with dreams of being assertive and adventurous, it makes sense.
I have a dilemma. I have to make a decision. I could live two different lives. I could go where people want me or I could go where I don't know anyone or whats going to happen to me. Hmm. Knowing me, I'd pick the former. Predictable.

What scares me the most is the unknown. I don't consider myself a controllist but I like to have an idea of what's going to happen to me. Otherwise the anxiety controls me.

I guess somewhere in their lives people find that they want to be different. They just don't know how. I know I want to be different. And maybe I know how now.

"Are you always this happy?"

No.
The price for perfection is loneliness.

Even things that are supposed to be all about me are not all about me.

Eye Candy Spotlight

Ryan Reynolds, Sexiest Man Alive 2010

Finding a gun and putting it down.

There are little victories in life that I rejoice in: moments that remind me I have guts. I've always wanted to have guts. Many situations present themselves with 2 possible actions.
1. Lay down
2. Stand up
Such is life. It shall continue thus.
So, there are 2 options. Everyone wants to stand up. But in conversations with people I know (even people with strong personalities), they rarely do, or they do so through the back door. I usually play the victim (because either it is "easier" or I like being miserable).
But being a layer is cliche and stupid. Not to mention a real drag when it comes to being cold.
So my goal is to stand up, one tiny detail at a time.

Your laugh is too big for your teeth.

I don't know what that means but it makes sense for certain people.

When You Say You Love Me

Sometimes its easy to forget to say "i love you" to people. I had a patient yesterday who hated me. And she yelled at me to get out of her room. I felt bad about the sitch. All my co-workers knew she was a temperamental lady. I yelled down the hall to them, "SHE HATES ME!" They all laughed and said, "Its okay, Caitlan, we LOVE you."
I know it seems silly but hearing someone say I love you makes this warm spot in your heart spread to the rest of your body. It can't help but be contagious. It just feels so good.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love my job. It is the worst job in the world, but how I love it so. I love the people I work with and most of the time I love the people I take care of. Leaving the Illinoise will be bittersweet indeed.

Let Me Make You Feel Good

I'm currently addicted to the song in the HP printer commercial "Brand New Key." I think its an old country song. I was singing in front of one of my patients yesterday and she kept asking me to sing it over and over for her. Later she wanted me to sing it for her husband (weird?)
I tucked her in at the end of my shift and right as I was leaving, that commercial came on and I got really excited and she had this adorable smile on her face. I was singing along with is and she just smiled this peaceful smile. I think I teared up as I walked out.
Its these moments that make my job worth it.

French Toast

There is the smell of french toast wafting down (do things waft down? or only up?) from the apartment above me. It smells so good and homey. My mom made french toast almost every day when I was growing up and smelling it really takes me back. Thanks for all those yummy memories mom!

Rituals

If you grew up in Christian circles at all, you will understand this. People are always telling you that God is where your value can be found, not people. So read your Bible and pray and be close to God and stuff like that and then you won't have to worry about how much people like you or listen to you or care about you...and stuff like that.

It's probably true.

But I like being around people that like me. I've noticed that I tend to heavily gravitate towards groups that like me. I have a friend group that let me be "the healer" because I would come in and have good talks with everyone and then things would get better. This lasted for quite a while and I glowed in the glory of being wanted.
I take care of sick people. My co-workers love me because I take shifts for them and go out of my way to help out all the time. I have friends because people would say, "Your the only one that..." I am completely content when I am needed.
When I sweep into patient's rooms, they instantly love because I have a cute haircut and red hair and dimples and can still smile even though we are in a hospital.

When one of these fails to meet my need for value, I move onto a different one. It becomes a consistant ritual...finding people that need me.

People need each other, but God doesn't need us.

Does he?

How to Starve A Rock...

This weekend my good friend Laura and I went to Starved Rock State Park, located in Oglesby, Illinois. Laura lives in a Chicago suburb and has been enjoying her freedom as an adult with a full time job at a church in Arlington Heights! She drove down to meet me at the park for a hike.
Starved Rock consists of several canyons nestled among the Illinois River.



The park gets its name from a group of Indians that holed themselves up on the rock to defend against their enemies and starved to death before they could win.




The views and scenery were beautiful break from the usual flat lands that Illinois has shown me so far...






All in all it was a fabulous hike and made me miss my homeland which is full of beautiful hikes!

PS 61 days to graduation!

Current Coping Mechanisms

Glass of wine and a 9 o'clock bedtime.

And putting hoops in my nose.

I wrote you a letter but I never sent it

I did it for myself.

Me And The Man Who Does Not Exist

The only exceptions to my happiness of late are the following:
1. It turns out that the last semester of nursing school is more stressful than all three beforehand. 'Nough said.
2. My life of my dearest Rainbows were sadly cut short by the teeth of Sadie the Asthmatic Yorkie. There are probably a few people that understand the depth of my feelings for these shoes. Those tears of rage were my closest friends.

Aside from these set backs, I am enjoying life [for once].
I love my job.
I love my friends.
Copious amounts of wonderful friends.
Looking for jobs. --scary--
Discovering that I'm not sure I want the things I used to want. --crazy--

So what do I want?

...I don't know...

If I could be any part of you, I’d be your tears. To be
conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.
- Unknown

Weary Kind

Thats me.
Summer is supposed to be relaxing and refreshing. It's warm out. Sunny and happy.
I don't really like the sun. It's headachy.
There is no sun in surgery.
There's not much sun the hospital either.
Little hazy in my heart.
The remedy elusive.

Will there be yellow in heaven?

Mustard Yellow. Hells. Yes.

Could you promise me that when I find you, you will love me with all your heart, soul, and mind?

Dream Job? Possibly...

I had the interesting opportunity (by interesting I mean that I was awkwardly approached in a coffee shop by an aspiring photographer who turned into a friend) to model for some experimental photographers, one of whom turned out to be a professional! This was quite exciting, as this is something I have experience in and have been training my whole life for. Comments are welcome.

They say you can't have everything you want. But shouldn't you get some things you want?

Your face is a minor detail.

It's hard to see other people happier than yourself. You want to be happy for them, and a part of you really is.
But half of my heart just isn't.
I'll bring my smile back around for you
But try not to expect too much

Shortylocks

It has been about three weeks, but here is a picture of my lovely new hair.

You were right about one thing

I did it.
I was wrong.
I guess you could say I got used to being right.
Maybe not being right. Just being better than I really was.
It felt so good to be the one with good advice, the selfless one, the one who knew who I was, and so it goes...
It only takes one disastrous night to ruin that facade. But was it only a facade or was it the real thing? I'd like to believe I was really like that and that I still am!
I AM STRONG AND CONFIDENT.
Does writing it in capital letters make it more true?

It doesn't feel like it...

I Recognize Those Desperate Eyes

They are searching and longing
For love and other things
Rejection and betrayal were frequent guests.

They say time is meant to heal.
why does it still hurt so bad?

I raised me hand eagerly
To hand you my own love
on a pretty little plate

Let me give you all I have
And gladly
Because a greater love has loved me
So I will love you
And take away your desperation
If God wills

But I can't get you out of the sunlight
And I can't get you out of the rain
I can't get you anywhere you should be

I try
and try
and try


and then I realize those desperate eyes are mine...

Sadness was always my strength...

It's weird to think that I'm good at being sad. I even like being sad. I could be a poster child for Cymbalta. There aren't a lot of sad things that happen to me...really.

But still the sadness chases me. And now, in the stress of it all that is life, I am caught once again in my sad complacency. Enveloped yet empowered. A strange mix.

People have a strong desire to be heard and understood. So strong, that it becomes the center of their world, and thus should also be the center of my world. Yes, you matter, but my universe does not revolve around you. Please don't drag me down to your dark kingdom of me-ness. I've got my own castle to secure darlin. Please don't strip me of my own selfishness. I'm all I've got left, don't ya know? You keep me spiralling down...down...down...

The New Hair

So I have recently discovered my next hair adventure. This is Carey Mulligan, my inspiration. I want to cut my hair this short and dye it this color. I had mine this gorgeous shade of reddish-brown last summer and it was delicious so I'm going to bring it back. No lie. Comments?

(500) Days of Winter

Dear Winter,
Why are you mad at me? I said I was sorry. We used to be friends and now your blowing snow in my face. Will you just get over it and come skip stones with me like we used to?
I hate being sad. But you leave me no choice.
Hurry before its too late.

Love Kat

Nostalgia

nos⋅tal⋅gia
   [no-stal-juh, -jee-uh, nuh-]
–noun
1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.

I want to go home. There is peace there from the madness. I am mad. I am part of the madness. But it doesn't fit me. I am lost inside of it.
...a little drowning...
How do you save a dying drowner?

Take her home.

Leave her loved.

Love the leaver.

In her home.

Snow Day Grace

Long week. Hard weekend. One day to recover was not enough. And going to Superbowl parties are not relaxing. But Monday it was back to the grind along with a huge snow storm. By some stroke of white sky, we got a snow day!
Slept an extra 3 hours.
Watched 4 hours of One Tree Hill.
Ate sushi.
Tried to work on Community project. Failed.
Bought a webcam!
Moped around.

Best day.

There's 2 hours left.

All good things come to an end.

i can't fix you

I'm trying my best but I can't succeed.
Your getting what you want, but its not what you need.
Your so tired, but you can't sleep.
The tears are streaming down your face.
You've lost something you can't replace.
You've loved someone, but it's gone to waste.
Your too in love to let it go...
But if you never try...you'll never know what your worth.

If lights don't guide you home or warm your bones...


...I'll try to fix you...


k.d. with a lil help from coldplay

Sigh...useless planning for the future

Well...I'm pretty sure I found my wedding dress. I'll never get to wear it, but at least I knew what it looked like!

So here is what I love....

a. the simplicity - its not fancy, but its still elegant in its own unique way (this girl's mom made it).
b. the accessories are so creative and fitting. i love the little jacket and belt. they add style and a little color.
c. the necklace (she made it). its big and chunky but it blends in so well to the outfit that you would really only notice it if it was gone.
d. the train. it swoops out like it was always meant to be there.
e. the pouf at the back of the waist. it reminds me of a hoopskirt from Gone With the Wind. I smiled.

Doppleganger week

I learned from facebook that this week is doppleganger week, where you set your profile picture to a celebrity that looks like you. Laugh. But I thought it sounded kinda fun so I did it.

Prudence

I'm supposed to write a paper about the four cardinal virtues. I'm watching TV instead. When your sick, you don't feel like doing shit.
So...according to whatever article this is that I'm reading, prudence is the conscience behind knowing and doing what "is right," the balance between intent and delivery. People who are prudent know what the right thing to do is, and they do it.
Seems pretty cut and dry.
Reminds me of pragmatism.

...can i still be a badass?...

Fortitude...moral courage...being willing to suffer for the sake of another.
aka people pleaser.

Temperance is just doing good? I kinda hate the word 'good.' Like how would you even define good? Couldn't it be different for every person?...and then some.

Now justice. That's what everyone loves. Making sure everyone gets what they deserve. Justice is satisfying, worthy of human emotion. Lets get worked up about it!

...I guess I should go write that paper now...